Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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