Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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