I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I think my moral compass just broke
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize