I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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