So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
