just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Houston, we have a squirter
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
