How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i wish my penis had a tongue
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
