shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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