If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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