i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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