Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
