My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
