Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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