Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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