There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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