girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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