some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
