I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
