Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize