Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
