all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I am midnight drunk by noon
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
