he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
