Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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