I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
