Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
