I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
