so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Betty ford says i'm here all night
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We have so much sex to catch up on
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
