fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
