All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I have demons in me.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
