i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
