i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
