He asked to "fluff my boner.."
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
