Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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