The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
