Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
