2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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