my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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