I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize