Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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