she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
