Christians are straight up FREAKS
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
