i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
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