I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He felt like a one man threesome
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I am one with the molecules
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
