I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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