I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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