Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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