remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
