nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
