i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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