oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
