Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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