Your dad touched me again.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I lost the right to judge tonight
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
