Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
