i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
