I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
