I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize