You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
