I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
