captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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