My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
