hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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