I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
