Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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