I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
