East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
